FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
