Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
