Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
