i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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