I'm gonna have a badass scar
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
