the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
