ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
