why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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