So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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