I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Randomize
