the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
