My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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