just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
