I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
