I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
