I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
