Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
