I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
