Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
