I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
