you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
