Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
