why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
