I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
