someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
