"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
