new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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