Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I can't turn off my feet"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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