The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he told me I talked like a deaf person
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
