I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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