you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
