Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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