Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
