Pants 0. Shit 1.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
