Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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