the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
