Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
