Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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