that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
