I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
