Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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