peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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