I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
