Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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