she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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