Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
