Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
God, I missed his penis.
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