I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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