Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
