This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
